i do have a lovely little life. i have a select group of friends, a large group of day to day buddies, an amazing father, and a perfectly good man. i work hard for my money. i drive a cute little jeep, live in a cute little apartment ( lets give the lovely and ever girly roomie some credit for this one!). i have cute shoes and cute clothes (although not nearly enough of either!!!!). i lead a good enough for now existence. of course i want more. i can't wait for the days when the income clearly and easily outweighs the bills. can't wait to find "the one", or at least can't wait to realize who he is. i like to drink and dance, sometimes too much and other times not nearly enough. i love sports and winter. i am content enough, for now. now, lets not mistake what im saying. im still a broke, flustered 23 year old. but there is just enough good to outweigh the bad. and for that, i am thankful. i work hard. im occasionaly messy and often late. i try to be a good person. i dont always succeed, but i try. there are questions in my life i desperately wish to be answered. lost friendships that i miss intensely, family drama, and boy drama. i cant wait to finish school (even though i hate it most of the time). i realize that i should take better care of myself, get more sleep, get angry less often. but i am who i am and im not ashamed of it. while there is a constant desire to improve (eating less should not be a general substitute for skipping time at the gym.... nor is not eating at all to make a night out a little bit cheaper!), but things could be worse. and that, for now, is enough.

more.

i need more than this. more than broken promises littering my days and false hope following me around. promises i always believe, because i know the intention behind them is true. but your desire to be with me doesnt make it any easier when you consistently fail to be here. to truly, physically be here. because i believe in the words that you say. i know you well enough to know you mean it. i know you are not the kind of man to waste your time. you are sincere. i know you have often worried about losing me. worried that i would sweep you aside. but i havent. and somewhere along the way, the tables have turned. i wait for you daily. snippets of time where you hold me in your arms and everything is concrete. the moments that prove to me we are whole, and real, when we are together. i have not been perfect in all of this. i am aware of my flaws. the jagged,cruel comments that escape the lips you love to kiss. the cold disdainful look that clouds my face as i slowly shut down during an argument. aware that i spent months pushing you away only to pull you back in when i realized my mistake. and now here we are. both clinging to peices the other has so begrudgingly offered up. you waited for me to choose. perhaps my constant back and forth tarnished the image of me you were so fascinated with in the beginning. and now we are here. stuck. when i am with you and i whisper, rushed, and forcefully, into your ear that "this, is is where im supposed to be" i mean it in the most honest, soul bearing way possible. its in those times when i can actually feel myself loving you more. as if my heart is growing inside my chest. but then you leave. and my thoughts wander back to him. the one who gave me up and waited just a moment too long to reclaim me. i feel it inside myself sometimes, the struggle of it all. and you are gone more than you are here. and im spending more time hoping for you then being next to you. and i just dont know if i am strong enough.

My dad.

My first post comes on my fathers birthday. He is my best friend. The love support and guidance he gives me is the only true love I have ever known. When I was growing up, I hero worshipped my father. All I have ever wanted was to be just like him. He has spent the last 23 years guiding me through my failures without ever making me feel like one. Every triumph, every loss, every major life decision had him behind me. I often worry that I will never truly be able to explain this to him. I am not nearly eloquent enough to say exactly how I'm feeling. How do you tell someone that they alone are your entire belief system? They are the reason for your successes, and the forgiving hand thats catches you when you stumble. My dad is my best friend. He is my only truth. As a best friend, he has never let me down. As a father, I don't know anyone who has succeeded as much as he has. I know that I am very lucky. And while my childhood was not picture perfect, I came out mostly unscathed because of the love of one man. Dad, you are the reason I am alive. Without you, there would be no successes. There would be no grace or love in this life. You are a teacher, role model, best friend and soulmate. I am you, and you are me. And for that I will be forever thankful. Happy Birthday. I love you.