more.

i need more than this. more than broken promises littering my days and false hope following me around. promises i always believe, because i know the intention behind them is true. but your desire to be with me doesnt make it any easier when you consistently fail to be here. to truly, physically be here. because i believe in the words that you say. i know you well enough to know you mean it. i know you are not the kind of man to waste your time. you are sincere. i know you have often worried about losing me. worried that i would sweep you aside. but i havent. and somewhere along the way, the tables have turned. i wait for you daily. snippets of time where you hold me in your arms and everything is concrete. the moments that prove to me we are whole, and real, when we are together. i have not been perfect in all of this. i am aware of my flaws. the jagged,cruel comments that escape the lips you love to kiss. the cold disdainful look that clouds my face as i slowly shut down during an argument. aware that i spent months pushing you away only to pull you back in when i realized my mistake. and now here we are. both clinging to peices the other has so begrudgingly offered up. you waited for me to choose. perhaps my constant back and forth tarnished the image of me you were so fascinated with in the beginning. and now we are here. stuck. when i am with you and i whisper, rushed, and forcefully, into your ear that "this, is is where im supposed to be" i mean it in the most honest, soul bearing way possible. its in those times when i can actually feel myself loving you more. as if my heart is growing inside my chest. but then you leave. and my thoughts wander back to him. the one who gave me up and waited just a moment too long to reclaim me. i feel it inside myself sometimes, the struggle of it all. and you are gone more than you are here. and im spending more time hoping for you then being next to you. and i just dont know if i am strong enough.